Live and Learn
by mia-belle
Summary: 4x11, with a different ending, and onwards. Meredith and Derek working through everything and being in a stable, happy relationship. MerDer
1. Chapter 1

**Okay... This is basically then end of 4x11, but with one alteration which leads to a huge difference that avoids this whole Derek dating rose thing (vomit)**

**This is a merder happily together story, I know they're going to be together by the end of the season, but I'm still sick of the back and forward relationship so this is to make me feel better until then. That and I'm bored all the time so I now have something to do :p  
the other characters will be in it but I have no plan for them so whatever happens, happens.  
Enjoy! And please review :)**

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Everybody stood around the nurse's station, watching intently as the healer stood with her hands over Tuck. They were all there for no other reason than to offer their mutual support for Bailey and her family.

Meredith felt eyes watching her, and saw Derek's form out of the corner of her eye. She wanted to not look, she wanted to be strong and keep her eyes forward, but she could sense the intensity of his gaze and was just planning to glance quickly at him, but once their eyes locked it was like a force that couldn't be broken and they stayed that way for a long moment, just staring.  
Meredith was angry and frustrated and wanted to ring his neck, but staring at him now, she only saw love, sadness and a trace of guilt in his eyes.  
After what felt like hours staring at each other, Meredith coughed uncomfortably and looked away. Derek looked deflated and sighed, feeling all hope being slowly crushed. But was brought out of his self pitying state when Meredith took a step backwards and came to stand next to him. She reached out and linked their fingers together, they both knew this didn't mean everything was okay, but they had an understanding between them, they were willing to try and get through this.

Slowly the Chief and Attendings started to disperse, as well as Derek who whispered in Meredith's ear he had to check on a patient and he'd page her when he was done.

They were still watching over Bailey and her family when she looked up and approached the door, "it..it doesn't help me to have you all clustered here watching it just doesn't help me. I appreciate that you uh, care, that you're concerned but I... Don't need to watched"

"Miranda! He's choking!" Bailey's husband gasped frantically from the door way

It was a mad rush to get inside the room, and the sounds of tuck choking and Bailey thanking god over and over both jumbled together.

"What are you talking about!?" Tucker asked confused

"No it's good, it means he's fighting the tube, it means he can breathe on his own" Meredith answered in a rush, trying to comfort him, whilst helping Bailey.

Meredith and Cristina sensed this was moment for the family so after they did what they could, they left quietly.

"God, I'm ready for a drink, you coming?" Cristina said rubbing her neck

"Um…" Meredith was cut off when her beeper started shrieking "I might meet you there, I have to do something first" Meredith said, already walking away.

Meredith came to a stop outside his office and took a deep breath before she opened the door.  
Derek was standing by his desk already changed into his normal clothes.

"Hey" he said as leaned against his desk, crossing his feet over. Meredith just stared back at him, closing the door.

"Meredith, we need to talk. We can't go any further without talking, and I mean talking, no arguing, because I wasn't lying before. I can't fight with you anymore"

Meredith still said nothing, and just remained staring at Derek, who sighed at her response, or rather lack of.

"I can trust people." she stated forcefully

"Mere..."

"No. It's still the same Derek. You say Meredith and I yell" Derek smiled at the reference to so long ago

"I can trust people. I trust Cristina. I trust Izzie, George, even Alex! I trust them Derek because they haven't done to me, the things you have. I'm not bringing up the Addison argument again, but seriously, you didn't tell me you had a wife, and then you choose her over me! Then you wouldn't let me move on, calling me a whore when I dated somebody. You tell me you can't breathe for me, so I turn to my friends, and then you say I wasn't letting you in?

You tell me break up sex is enough for you, and then you change your mind 2 days later! You… you invite me to go away with you! Then take it back at the end of the day, and now the nurse. You kissed somebody else Derek, when we were trying. You kissed someone while we were trying and then kept it a secret, and you wonder why I can't trust you!" Meredith was breathing heavily and could feel frustration seeping from her pours as she finally let everything come to the surface.

Derek speechless; his mouth opened and closed a few times but he couldn't think of anything to say.

"I want to trust you Derek. I want it all. I want what you said. With you. I want it with you, and I can't even imagine having it with anyone else. But you have to give me reasons to trust you!  
And as for building a house in the near future? Derek I was serious about the hundred steps, I mean we don't even live together yet!  
I want the dream house, I really do, but it is too soon. I'll learn, and I'll grow and I'll be ready, but I can't do all that as well as worrying about you leaving or kissing scrub nurses when I'm not looking"

"Meredith that's not…"

"I'm not done!" she said almost childishly "I know you can't wait forever, but I'm not asking you too. I…" she took a breath and couldn't meet his eyes "I don't know a lot of things about relationships or how to act, I haven't had the greatest role models…" she said rolling her eyes slightly "but I do know… that I love you. And I want you. Now. I want you and me, as a couple. Now.  
I'm not ready for those other things you said, but…I'm ready to be with you now. And the rest… I can work through. And soon enough, I'll be ready for us to settle down, you to build us a house and maybe even for us to have kids, I'll be ready for it all, but for now…can't we just learn how to be a happy couple again? Can we just get through the basics of learning to trust each other and talking and normal couple things before we start building a house?"

They both stood in silence for long time. Meredith was trying to catch her breath while Derek was trying to decide if that had really just happened. Meredith Grey, had completely opened up and told him everything she wanted. She'd called him out on everything he'd done wrong, she had told him she was trying to be ready, she told him she wanted _now_ with him, but what was really evoking the silence in him at this moment was that for the first time in so long he'd heard the words 'I love you' come from her mouth.

"Okay, you could say something, even if its 'go away' because I just talked non stop for a really long time, but if your going to say something like that… well you once told me that just because you have a fight it doesn't mean you stop talking to each other, so there, I've talked. A lot. More than I ever have, and if that's not enough for you, well I have no more. I can't fight with you anymore either" Meredith said nervously. Derek realized if he didn't open his mouth soon she would leave.

"I honestly don't know what to say. I... there's so many things, I… I want to give you reasons to trust me again mere, I just… I'm sorry. For everything and…" he trailed off, literally speechless.

"Did you get the part where I said I wanted to be with you? As in 'a couple'?" she mumbled, causing Derek to break out into the biggest smile he'd experienced all week.

"I did. But I don't want you saying that because you were scared into it. I don't want you realizing two weeks down the track that you can't do this yet. Getting to be with you again, then having it taken away, I can't do that Mere. This is what I meant by putting me out of my misery. To have you, then to not, it hurts. I just... I want you. I don't want some fling with a nurse, or sex and mockery, or any of that. I want to be with you and if we can be, if we can be together and stable, I think whatever else happens, we'll deal with it"

Meredith shook her head, "I'm not going to change my mind Derek"

Meredith was then overcome with a sense of awkwardness. Do they hug? Or kiss? Or does she go home and see him tomorrow? Her questions were answered when he stepped forward and brought her into his arms, hers went around his neck and she buried her face in his chest, this for some reason gave her an overpowering urge to cry. She was tired and relieved and finally happy at the thought of being with him but taking it slow and she couldn't help the tears and loud sniffing. This caused Derek to pull away and look her face

"Mere…?" he asked, worry lacing his voice

"Happy tears" she smiled.

He brushed them away then pulled her back into his embrace.

"I love you"

Their conversation was far from done and it wasn't all smiles and sex to come, they knew that, but what was settled from this conversation was that they were going to get through it all together. There was no more avoiding or lying or fights where they didn't know where they stood afterwards. They were together, and they were going to work through everything, together.

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**I guess I'm supposed to like the first chapter I write as it's the first impression of your story, but I didn't really like this, I think I rushed it and it was unrealistic but I just want them to be happy now! ; I think it's okay though, because if they had of spoken at the end of 4x11 instead of ignoring each other, then Derek asking out the nurse, then I think it could have been fine and we wouldn't have to endure 5 episodes with them not together and with the nurse in the picture. So maybe I think it's rushed because of what needs to be fixed on the show now? hm, anyway, reviews would be nice to see if I should continue this?**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: not mine  
thank you to those who reviewed and added to alerts and favorites etc :)

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After checking in on Bailey and Tuck one last time, Meredith headed to the locker room to change; Derek was already waiting in the lobby so they could go home together.

She slipped off her scrubs and into her street clothes, more than ready to get out of here and into bed. She pulled her bag out of her cubby and started collecting everything she needed; it was now that she actually slowed down and realized how big of a step she and Derek had taken not 20 minutes ago.  
Meredith sighed and sat down to think for a minutes.

As happy as she felt, as excited and optimistic and hopeful as she was about this seemingly new thing her and Derek were doing, there was still a small part of her that was full of doubt and pure fear. What if it didn't work out again? That would be a definite sign that they just weren't meant to be, and she wasn't sure if she could face that reality. She loved him. He was the only person she had ever loved and she firmly believed the only person she ever _would _love, but how was she supposed to know if this was really it. If they could make it this time.

There was so much against them, so much baggage and past failures, so many old fights and lies still in their minds. The only thing she was certain of, was that they loved each other, but they always had and that hadn't helped before.  
Meredith groaned and told herself she was doing it again. Stepping back and protecting herself. They were both in this, and as long as they communicated and took it slow, then they had a chance.

"God I should see a shrink" she mumbled to herself

"What?"

Meredith jumped and spun around "Crap, Izzie you scared me"

"Sorry" she replied, not really fazed "so there's no food at the house, I'm just going to stop by the shops on the way home, you need anything? Do you notice how Alex never does the shopping by the way?"

"Um, no I hadn't. Speak to him. And no that's okay; I don't think I'll be home tonight anyway, so uh goodnight" Meredith replied picking up her bag and walking to the door

"Oh. Derek's?" Izzie asked sounding slightly deflated

"Uh yeh, why?"

"No its just, well things with George…" she blew out a breath and sat down "and Alex, he isn't exactly great company"

Meredith still stood with half her body out the door, looking confused

"I don't know. Things aren't the same anymore. we all used to do things together, like watch your mother's surgery tapes, or drinks at Joe's, or eat crappy take out when no one had bothered to go shopping, it's just, I don't know. Everything's changed" Izzie said more in general than to Meredith herself.

"Iz…I can't tonight, Derek and I, it's complicated, but this is really important right now.  
I promise we'll all get together soon. All of us, I'll even convince Cristina, and… You can cook! And we'll… do something, okay?"  
Meredith said, itching to leave. She did feel sorry for Izzie, but Derek had been waiting for over half an hour now.

"Fine, have a good night" Izzie said over her shoulder.

Meredith sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight and rushed to the elevator. She pressed the down button and took the time to close her eyes and try and will the approaching headache away.

She thanked whoever was listening that it was empty and stepped in. Meredith leaned against the back wall and started to think about what Izzie had said.

She was right; the five friends that used to be so close hadn't done anything together in months. She'd been so stressed with work and Derek. George repeating his internship had put a massive gap between them, Alex had his issues with Ava, and Cristina had thrown herself into work more so than usual since Burke's departure which they had yet to talk about.

She just wished things were easier, and that it wasn't a constant struggle to find the positive in things.

"Hey" a warm familiar voice said from in front of her. "I was just coming up to look for you"

"Hey" Meredith said as she looked up and smiled at him, "yeah sorry, I went to see Tuck and then Izzie wanted to talk"

Derek nodded "you okay?" he asked studying her face

"Yeah I'm fine, just a headache"

Meredith said, as they starting walking towards the car park. It hadn't stopped raining all day and the air had a permanent chill, she pulled her jacket tighter around her and clasped onto to Derek's hand as she followed him through the rain. They reached his car and slid in quickly, trying to stay as dry as possible.

"Mere you sure you're okay?" Derek asked again once they were settled in.

"I'm fine Derek" Meredith sighed. Glancing at him, she saw nothing but concern in his eyes "sorry, but honestly, it's just a headache and I'm tired. If there was something wrong, I'd tell you."

"Can we go now?" she said after he didn't answer.

Derek smiled sadly at her and nodded as he started the engine

"Could we go to the trailer?" Meredith asked

"Sure"

Derek navigated out of the car park and onto the main road. The ride was longer than usual as the rain was coming down heavily and it was hard to see where he was going. They stayed in silence for the drive, Derek was both physically and emotionally exhausted, but it was underlined with a profound sense of happiness, he had Meredith next to him, taking her home to the trailer. He glanced at her and noticed she was struggling to keep her eyes open, he waited till he was on a straight stretch of road then placed his right hand on her upper thigh. She looked up at him and smiled lazily.

10 minutes later Derek was pulling up to the trailer, not really wanting to leave the warmth of his car and venture into the raging storm outside. After a few minutes of sitting there, he unbuckled his seat belt and grabbed his bag from the back seat.  
"Meredith" he said gently, startling her from her light sleep "come on, you can sleep inside" he said smiling.

"mmk" she mumbled, grabbing her bag and pushing open her door.

They both made a run for the trailer, it wasn't the rain that bothered them, they lived in Seattle, it was constant, but it was the temperature which made them shiver even in their layers of clothes.

The rush to the trailer in the rain seemed to have woken Meredith up and she laughed and leaned into Derek's back, wrapping her arms around his waist while he fumbled with the keys.  
"Derek…" Meredith whined her teeth close to chattering. He laughed and finally pushed open the door.

"ugh" Meredith grunted shaking water off her. She looked up to see Derek looking her up and down slowly; with a familiar smirk on his face.  
"don't even think about it" she smiled back as she made her way to the small bedroom.

Meredith began to strip off her wet clothes until she was standing next to his draws in just her underwear, she knelt down and searched through the drawers of clothing until she found what she was looking for.

"I knew I left these here" she said to herself, pulling on her track pants. She was about to pull on one of Derek's t shirts when she felt warm hands wrap around her waist.

"Clothing is optional you know" he whispered huskily in her ear. She arched her back as he slowly traced kisses down her neck and roamed his hands over hear bear stomach.

"Derek… " she protested as he turned her around gently

"Yes?" he whispered huskily with a dark look in his eyes. He placed his hands on her hips and drew his face closer to hers. Meredith's arms snaked up around his neck and into his hair. After everything they'd been through, he still gave her butterflies by the way he looked at her, and shivers with a simple touch. They stared into each other's for a few seconds.  
He pressed his lips against hers, Kissing her softly as her fingers ran through his hair, he continued to kiss her warm mouth and gently suck her bottom lip between his before moving his tongue into her mouth. Meredith moaned and felt weak at the knees. His arms around her waist were supporting her, her legs essentially useless.

"Derek," Meredith said again pulling away. "As much as I would normally love too, I'm just really tired and this headache is going to turn into a migraine if I don't sleep soon. Besides, should we even be having sex yet?"

"What are you talking about?" Derek asked, running his fingers through her hair

"I know I'm not really one to talk, but I just don't want to jump into bed as soon as possible and have it end up like the other times" Meredith said seriously.

He still looked a little confused

"Mere, nothing will change if we have sex"

"I know, that's not what I meant. I just…not tonight okay" she sighed.

Derek wanted her right now, and it wasn't about the sex. It was being close to her, knowing that he could please her, seeing her be alive. When they made love it was the only time he saw Meredith have no reservations or doubts in herself. She would throw away all inhibitions and let go, and afterwards, when they would lay there and just hold each other, that was what he looked forward to the most. When they would lie there holding onto each other, linking fingers and just be comfortable. But if she said no, he would always respect that.

"okay, but can you put the top on because if I have to watch you like that for the rest of the night, there will be sex." he said smiling

Meredith laughed as she pushed his chest away then pulled the top over her head. Derek took the opportunity to go and get her some Advil from the kitchen.  
Once she had taken the pills and water he pulled her into his arms and held her tight  
"This will work Mere, and however you want to do it, how ever slow you want to go, that's fine with me, just as long as at the end of the day, we're okay" he whispered in her ear.

She breathed into his neck and pulled him tighter "Thank you Derek. And there's not a sex ban. It's just, today was…well we spoke and we've never really done that before and I think we should talk some more before we do other things"

"Meredith Grey suggesting talking over sex? hm, are you sure you're okay?" he asked sarcastically peering down at her

"Ass" she muttered against his chest

He tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes "We'll talk Meredith" he said sincerely, his voice laced with love. "But this needs to be a two way thing. I'm not asking to be your only confidant, just let me know things."

She went to say something but he spoke again before she could

"And I promise to as well. We'll both communicate and let each other in. There'll still be occasional arguments and sometimes things will be hard, but that's normal and it doesn't mean we break up. We fix it, and move on, okay?"

She smiled up at him, captivated by the honestly and love in his eyes. As long as they communicated and as long as she didn't run at the first sign of trouble, they'd make it. Meredith knew it wasn't going to be easy and effortless, but she was learning that some things you need to fight for, and this was definitely something she wanted to fight for.  
"Okay" she smiled up at him.

For the first time in months, He looked down into her shining eyes and saw hope. There was no trace of doubt or fear or reluctance. Just hope and love and it gave him an instant high. He leaned down and kissed her lips soundly before releasing her gently and getting changed himself.

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please review and let me know what you think! it will help me write faster :)


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